listen to old sarge...

the second in a short series of lockdown top-tips... old sarge lockdown top-tip #2... citizens of England, be alert! when you're out and about this weekend, don't forget to keep your electricity meter under your left arm and your gas meter under your right arm at all times to comply with the government's social distancing rules and guidelines: always keep a safe distance, always keep your two meters apart... don't thank me, you're weclome... the owner of this property was later arrested for not following government guidelines on social distancing

Well, guv, we was called out to the modestly extravagant suburban London gaff of the Arsenham United and England player in the early hours of Thursday morning. Apparently, a burglary in progress had been reported by the hysterical householder, so we got round there quick sharp with the old blues and twos on, roads was empty, what with the lockdown and all that. One minor incident to report on the way, guv, Dave got a minor scald when he spilled his flask of tea on his bollocks when I had to swerve to avoid a jogger on a pedestrian crossing in Chelsea. 1-fucking-am and some Lycra-clad fatty is out there having a coronary to herself in the middle of the fuckin street in a pool of her own piss and shit. Reminds me, will need to hose down the side of the panda once we’re done here, sarge, might have got a bit of splash back on Dave’s door. Aaanywaaay, we gets there, I jumps out, and a freak gust of wind catches the door, and it goes and prangs the wing of the Bentley parked in the driv

giving this some serious consideration…goany go up to the local golf course…it’s ok, I’m normally a member, but the course is closed and my membership suspended for the duration of the lockdown...before I go, goany take all my clubs and balls out my golf bag and replace them with bricks, two-by-fours, and other sundry heavy scrap…you know, get my government prescribed and sanctioned exercise for the day, push my trolley and golf bag full of building supplies around the course…while I’m at it, and to keep it interesting, goany have a pretend round of golf…you know, swing imaginary clubs at imaginary balls, replace invisible divots, walk my invisible sloth…(sepia toned memory coming in…do you remember, gentle reader, the stiff dog leads with wire in them from the 70’s and 80’s, looked like you were walking an invisible dog?)...see how long it’ll be before some local magoo-esque fucking curtain twitcher calls the real polis, the non-imaginary plod, the bona-fide killjoys, to get me lifted

here goes for the first in a (very) short series of 'old sarge lockdown top-tips' (with apologies and whatever royalties are due to Viz comic..)...don't thank me, you're weclome... old sarge lockdown top-tip #1... now, there's no shame in it, but we've all got an IT nerd that we won't admit to knowing or perhaps even having in the family...it might even be looking back at you in the mirror in the morning...but I digress...so, if there's a lockdown birthday just around the cor ner, why not consider old floppy disks and other redundant media formats as an ideal and yet completely pointless lockdown gift for the IT nerd in your life? the 3.25" floppy disk makes for an ideal coaster for those excrutiating Friday night Zoom-er parties that they can't avoid, and if they've smashed all of their architectural salvage public toilet roof artisan slate tile 'dinner plates' in a pique of Come Dine With Me lockdown angst/clarity, old laser d