lockdown top-tip #4...

the fourth in a short series of lockdown top-tips…

old sarge lockdown top-tip #4...

hairdressers of the UK! your desperate nation needs you! please mobilise immediately to full alert status, sharpen those scissors, rehearse your inane small talk, and be at full readiness to be deployed at the drop of a sweaty, greasy hat in a few weeks’ time when The Lockdown is further eased. if you already find yourself surrounded by resentful, chemically burned, skinhead family members; if you’ve already scalped your Girl’s World (Boris Johnston 2019 Limited Edition); if you’re scraping the bottom of your signed and officially endorsed tub of Sir Keir Starmer Brylcreem; if you’ve burnished your First Minister Jimmy Crankie hard-hat-helmet-hair wig to a dazzling, epilepsy inducing finish, why not keep your hand in between now and then - and be in the running for an invite to be Liz’s Guest of Honour at the Glorious Key Worker Garden Party and Victoria Cross Medal Ceremony at Buckingham Palace later in the year - by turning your attentions to the roller of your vacuum cleaner? as the Nobel Prize winning philosopher, poet, and Hollywood actor-raconteur Samuel L Jackson might put it, check that shit out, that’s one hairy motherfucker! increase both your and its efficiency by giving it a quick short back and sides twice a week. don’t forget to get a surly, inappropriately dressed, sexually confused, exploited and quite probably under-paid teenage family member, housemate or family pet to sweep up after you. and this Thursday at 20:00, clutch your clippers and curling tongs to your bosom, stand erect and to attention on your doorstep, and take pride in your new-found Key Worker status when the World’s Worst Steel Band strikes up, out of time and originality, once again…don't thank me, you're weclome...

(editor’s note: picture of a truly disgusting household appliance getting a haircut to follow)

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